Empowered Parenting eJournal

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EmpoweredParent.com Journal
http://EmpoweredParent.com
Information For Today's Parent!
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VOL.VI : Issue 4 September 12, 2004
Editor: Joan Bramsch E-mail: hijoan@joanbramsch.com
ISSN: 1526-2154
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Common sense solutions for Today's Parenting Challenges! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Empowered Parents: Strong Families
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ENJOYING OUR SIXTH YEAR OF PUBLICATION!

KNOW THIS: We are all one people, Mother Earth is our one country, LOVE is stronger than fear, and peace and freedom are the birthrights of all humanity. Chief Seattle

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"Sizzlers" to spark your Summer Evenings! Give yourself a gift about love...Classic Contemporary Romance Novels By Joan Bramsch Http://www.joanbramsch.com/store/romancebooks.shtml
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INSIDE YOUR EP eJOURNAL
<*> Letter from Joan
<*> Study of Music Improves Intellect
<*> The Case Against Designer Kids!
<*> The Impact of Your Childhood on Your Child
<*> Subscribe/unsubscribe Information
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You do what you know how to do; and when you know better, you do better." - Maya Angelou
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Letter from Joan

WELCOME
This opt-in announcement is sent to our mailing list subscribers, clients, associates, training professionals, corporate executives, entrepreneurs, teachers, researchers, and others interested in intuitive parenting and family vision. We never share our list with anyone. If you wish to be removed please send an email.

Hi dear Parent,

I’m a little surprised to tell you that, across the northern planet Earth, school is in session again! Gracious, where did summer go? Well, wherever it went, I sincerely hope you spent some quality time with your liddle kiddle, no matter what her/his age.

Between working and chauffeuring your child to team practice or instructions of one sort or another, I wonder if there was ever just "quiet time" when the two of you took a walk, had a talk, discovered something wonder-filled or experienced an adventure... together?

Oh, I do hope so.

It’s very difficult when the parent/s work, especially in summer. On top of earning a living, you must also provide protection and entertainment for your child while you are away. How do you do all that?

I admire you so much.

Children don’t require a tremendous amount of one on one time with their parent, but if you can provide as little as fifteen minutes on a daily basis, at a special time. Make it a ritual. Make it SACRED.

In our family, after we said night prayers together, then I would visit each child’s bed for private, personal, special time. That’s when we’d discuss topics important to that child--a friend who was upset about something, an unfair teacher or coach, an upcoming school or church function, or the need to learn more about life and its many facets.

Whatever the time you choose, once you start, don’t stop. Let your child count on it; you count on it. That time is important to your child; that time is just as important to you!

Time spent with your spouse is also important. Don’t forget why you got married, please! I am determined to remind my EP parents... DON’T FORGET one another.

Here's an ebook to help. 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships Discover what the top 1% of couples know. Never have fights. Save your marriage. Grow deeply in love. http://hop.clickbank.net/?epsuccess/50secrets

Perhaps some romantic suggestions are in order. In that case I recommend 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets More Passion & Intimacy with Great Sex from Oprah Romance Expert. Tips will drive your man or woman wild. And that’s not a bad thing, you know? http://hop.clickbank.net/?epsuccess/mwebb

Last, if your marriage is getting stale, or if it’s ended and you are dating, 1000 Questions For Couples will help you discover answers to important questions BEFORE it’s too late.
http://hop.clickbank.net/?epsuccess/questions

I have reviewed all these Michael Webb ebooks and think they are all quality products.

I have been busy this summer, too. I completed the new TEACH ME, I’M YOURS for parents of young children, to give them the skills for school success and for Life. It’s doubled in size and there are dozens of liddle kiddle cartoons sprinkled within the e-pages. I’ve included a terrific bonus when you purchase Teach Me, I’m Yours; we’ve created a great free coloring book filled with those darling cartoons so your child will have reminders of the skills s/he is learning. If you have young children, or know parents who do, please visit the Empowered Parent web site and click on the Teach Me, I’m Yours book cover.
http://www.EmpoweredParent.com

I also want to remind you of the excellent book KID SAFE that Pam Coronado and I co-wrote for parents to protect their child and teen from kidnappers and molestors. Pam is a private investigator specializing in finding lost and kidnapped children. The information can save young lives!

When you are at the web site http://www.EmpoweredParent.com
click on SHOPPING and you’ll be able to see all my new books. I wrote two more contemporary romances, one of them is a mystery.

EBON’S MATE is a mystery about a stalker determined to kill the college professor/hero. Ebon is a black swan who seeks his mate, just as Professor Nickolas does.

SOLAR SIZZLE is a contemporary romance about a couple who works in the alternative energy resource field; thus, the title!

So, Mommies and Grandmommies, if you like to read romances I hope you’ll try a free Chapter from any of the nine novels on my site.
http://www.EmpoweredParent.com

Boyohboy, do I ever like this one-liners:

Think outside the box. Never mind...smash the box.

Yes!!!!

Remember, dear one, I value you, right here, right now, in all you do.

Love,
Joan

p.s. Remember my dear friend B.L., who had to run for her life on 9/11? She wrote an extraordinary essay yesterday and I want to share it with you. Her courage is beyond belief.
http://www.whatsnextblog.com/archives/000484.asp

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Here’s a great reason for encouraging your child to study music. Here’s a way to make sure they stick with it. When they want to take music lessons so bad they will promise anything, that’s when you offer them a contract to study until the end of 8th grade. Then, when they whine after about a year and want to quit, you can calmly remind them of their contractual promise. No emotions. They have to honor their agreement, is all. They will evenually thank you for getting them to stay the course because at age 14 they will be very glad they possess the skill. :)
Signed: Wily Mama

Study of Music Improves Intellect
United Press International

Studying music improves intellect, as children who took music lessons have larger IQ increases than those who did not, a U.S. psychology journal reported.In the August issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the American Psychological Society, researchers at the University of Toronto provided evidence of the long-held notion that music lessons improve intellect.

They found children who took either keyboard or voice lessons had larger IQ increases after their studies compared to youngsters who took drama lessons or none at all. Children who took drama lessons did exhibit improvement in adaptive social behavior, however, where kids who received music lessons showed increases more across the board, such as in index scores and academic achievement.

The study followed 144 children at age 6 who were randomly assigned to take either keyboard lessons, voice lessons, drama lessons or none at all for one year. IQ tests were administered both before and after the lessons to examine the effects of extra-curricular activities on intellectual and social development.

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I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
~ Jonathan Winters ~
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The Case Against Designer Kids!

Hyper-parenting is no favor to yourself or to your child
September 10, 2004 07:16 AM EDT

With my daughter beginning her senior year of high school this year, we spent some time this past summer on the Great American College Tour. All in all she has visited four colleges, which seems plenty enough to me. But that fairly pales by comparison with the itinerary of a good friend and his son who stayed with us on the Western leg of their visit to 18 different colleges.

Today the college tour, including its interview for the prospective student and information session for parents, has become de rigueur. Is this, however, a sign of what Dr. Alvin Rosenfield and his colleagues are calling, in their recent book, "hyper-parenting"? ("Hyper-Parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child By Trying Too Hard?")

According to Rosenfield, parenting is now "the most competitive sport in America." "If you can put a Harvard, Yale or MIT sticker on the back of the BMW, you've won." This overlooks the fact that a third of those admitted to four-year colleges do not graduate fours years later, and that at the most competitive schools various anxiety disorders -- from bulimia to depression -- are all too common.

The symptoms of hyper-parenting include the busy child, overscheduled children, who shuttle, or more accurately are shuttled, from one activity, class or program to another with no down time tolerated or allowed. Another symptom is out-of-control parental anxiety, expressed by near addiction to the latest "expert" advice. Moreover, hyper-parents are fairly driven to see their child achieve excellence in a sport, instrument or activity, preferably by age 7. Hyper-parenting skews the relationship of parents and children, as children are turned into products and performers and parents into managers and handlers.

My own pet theory about all this is that the smaller size of the contemporary family is a factor. Most parents are more anxious about their first child. We certainly were. But by the time parents get to their third or fourth, they are, if not wiser then at least too tired to be all that anxious. No, you are wiser. Experience does help. But since many parents today have but one or at most two children, fewer children have experienced parents and the general level of anxiety in society has risen.

In good American fashion various Web sites and articles are now blossoming with "tips for how to avoid hyper-parenting," which led me to wonder if you can become hyper about hyper-parenting? My hunch is that the problem is a deeper one than will be cleared up by naming the syndrome and giving yet another list of tips. It is deeper because what seems to be happening is that the overly competitive, driven and anxious ethos of much of adult society is simply filtering down, way down, down to womb and before with designer genes and genetic engineering.

It was in an article published this past spring in The Atlantic that I first noted the term hyper-parenting. There, author Michael Sandel argued, "The Case Against Perfection: What's Wrong with Designer Children, Bionic Athletes and Genetic Engineering." He suggests that a good part of what it means to be a parent is to be "open to the unbidden," that is to what we cannot control.
"In a social world that prizes mastery and control," observes Sandel, "parenthood is a school for humility. That we care deeply about our children and yet cannot choose the kind we want teaches parents to be open to the unbidden. Such openness is a disposition worth affirming, not only within families but in the wider world as well. It invites us to abide the unexpected, to live with dissonance, to rein in the impulse to control. A Gattaca-like world in which parents became accustomed to specifying the sex and genetic traits of their children would be a world inhospitable to the unbidden, a gated community writ large. The awareness that our talents and abilities are not wholly our own doing restrains our tendency toward hubris."

Parenting, like life, is a tricky business. Parents must strive for a balance between two kinds of love: accepting love and transforming love. The one affirms the being of a child and lets him be, while the other seeks his well-being and prods his growth. Hyper-parenting is an excess of the latter and a deficiency of the former. If some parents err by not asking or inviting enough of their children, others make the mistake of pushing too hard, asking too much. Finding the right balance is the key.

Certainly we can, and within reason, ought to offer challenges and opportunities for our children, but not with the idea that we can or should control the outcomes. The idea that we are or should be in control is not only a bad one, it is an illusion.

To see more of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, for online features, or to subscribe, go to http://seattlep-I.com.

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Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book Raising a Secure Child: Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child by Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D.Published by Perigee; July 2004; $15.95US/$24.00CAN; 0-399-52994-2Copyright © 2004 Zeynep Biringen

The Impact of Your Childhood on Your Child

Your own sense of security as a child and how you think can have enormous effects on your child's sense of security with you. One interesting exercise is to ask, "What type of baby were you?" As documented in numerous research studies, we know there is a great similarity between the type of baby we raise and the type of baby we were (unless some major changes occurred within us during our adulthood to change our view of relationships). Parents who were raised in an openly communicative and sensitive manner in their own families are more likely to have secure babies. Parents who were raised to dismiss their feelings and not to value attachments tend to have babies who are avoidant. Parents who were raised in an environment where there was a lot of negative emotion, particularly anger, are more likely to have babies who are clingy and dependent, and many of these parents continue to feel anger toward their own parents.

The following questions will help you see whether you fit into any of these three categories. A majority of "yes" answers in any group identifies your category.

Secure Child Memory

1. Were you the type of baby and young child who sought out a parent immediately when you needed some comfort?
2. Do you remember being happy?
3. Do you remember getting a lot of positive attention and caring?
4. Do you remember finding it easy to connect with others, including parents and friends?

Insecure/Avoidant Child Memory

1. Were you the type of baby and young child who did not go to a parent when you felt sad, angry, or hurt?
2. Were you the type of baby and young child who grew up feeling like a loner?
3. Did you not have very many people you could turn to, or did you just not turn to others? Were you basically self-reliant or too reliant on yourself, sometimes despite your best efforts to be more connected with others?
4. Do you remember making efforts at closeness with a parent and feeling rebuffed or just not getting the type of response you, had hoped for?
5. Do you not remember much about your childhood, as hard as you might try?
6. Do you remember not being liked very much by your peers, either because you were aggressive at times or because you were a loner?
7. Do you feel that much of this discussion about feelings is "mumbo-jumbo" or "psychobabble"? Is this what your parents might say or have said about such self-assessment?

Insecure/Dependent Child Memory

1. Do you recall being very close to one parent (or more) to the point of what we call "symbiosis" or oneness with that parent?
2. Do you remember being an easily distressed sort of baby or young child?
3. Do you remember being overprotected or catered to a lot?
4. Do you recall that you were a bit younger than your age (you might still feel that way) -- not necessarily in terms of appearance, but more that people treated you as younger and didn't give you enough of a chance at responsibility?
5. Did you constantly need people around you, maybe for approval?
6. Did you constantly try to please others to the exclusion of even being aware of what your own emotional needs were?
7. Did you "take care" of younger siblings or a parent so that it seemed as if you were the parent or the roles were reversed?

Whether we were secure, avoidant, or dependent as children (recall that insecure/disorganized children typically show one of the other insecure patterns as a "core"), as adults we are free to adopt new ways of creating relationships with our own children.

Your Own Family History
People bring all kinds of personal history into parenting -- that's not a problem. The problem arises when we don't resolve those issues ourselves. Our own parents are often our only models of how to relate to children, so they usually have a powerful influence on us, no matter whether we want to emulate them or be completely different. As adults, we need to recognize the heritage we have brought with us from the family in which we ourselves were raised and to replicate what was good and eliminate what was not.

Social scientists Carol George, Nancy Kaplan, and Mary Main at the University of California, Berkeley, developed a state-of-the-art interview to assess parents' family-of-origin experiences (called the Adult Attachment Interview). The interview is very detailed and enables the interviewer to obtain information about the parent's experiences during childhood. It also does something quite tricky -- it can help us understand beyond the childhood experiences of parents by going beyond the surface of what they report. In other words, we gain information on both what they say happened as well as some things they might not consciously remember.

Taken from Raising a Secure Child (Perigee Books; $15.95) by Zeynep Biringen. Copyright © 2004 Zeynep Biringen

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War cannot be humanized, it can only be abolished. -- Albert Einstein

The ultimate oxymoron: "Holy War"
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FEED THE HUNGRY: http://www.thehungersite.com
http://www.heifer.org/

FOR PEACE ON OUR PLANET: We are not going to be able to operate our Spaceship Earth successfully nor for much longer unless we see it as a whole spaceship and our fate as common. It has to be everybody or nobody. -Buckminster Fuller

NEXT ISSUE: More encouragement from EP Parents' Cheerleader!

* (\ *** /) . * .
* ( \ (_) / ) * Guardian Angel
. (_ / \ _) . * .
. /____\ * . . *
In the meantime, here is an angel sent to watch over you for me. ===================================

FROM BILL:
We are Angels born with but one wing,
In order to fly we must embrace one another.

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Till next time, don't forget -- Parenthood is Wonder-filled!
Fondly, Joan
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Thank You For Reading! Have a Terrific Week!
Empowered Parenting Ezine is published solely by Joan Bramsch, founder and Director of http://www.EmpoweredParent.com and may not reflect the opinion of all Empowered Parent members.

Copyright © 2004, all rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted without the express written consent of the publisher or contributors. We accept no responsibility for your use of any contributed information contained herein. All of the information presented in the Empowered Parenting Ezine is published in good faith. Any comments stated in this publication are strictly the opinion of the writer or publisher. We publish all advertising in good faith but offer no guarantees. Please do your own due diligence in ANY transaction. We reserve the right to edit and make suitable for publication, if necessary, any articles published in this newsletter. We reserve the right to publish all reader comments, including the name of the writer. Reported survey results will NOT use the names of the contributors. Joan Bramsch, owner, EmpoweredParent.com
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